A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.
I read this verse yesterday during worship because it sums up my heart and my life at this point. I plan, I am the most planningest-planner I know. I get anxiety when I don’t have a plan. Even a back up plan. I like knowing. I like being prepared. And there have been numerous times in my life where my planning was thwarted by God, and it always turned out well.
So, now, as I sit in and amongst a bunch of non-established plans… I know, that it is well in my soul.
For I know the plans I have for you”–this is the LORD’s declaration–“plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Even though my plan isn’t working out, I know that God’s plan is. His plan prevails. I had started a new devotion on the bible app and it is prayer heavy. And I am realizing how much I’ve missed Him. I pray daily. Short, brief prayers in between sweeping up messes and wiping off hands and faces, but sitting down and focusing on him for long moments, I haven’t done in a while. And it’s been so refreshing, and I know that it’s helped keep my head on straight during this transition.
I’m losing my stay-at-home job. I was planning on working from home for the next year (July to June) just for a little added income. Just a little extra play money each month. Dining out money. Going to the Zoo, just because, money. Movie date with my husband money. But, we will have to either find that somewhere else, or… just not go. And that’s fine. But here is my dilemma and here is my heart.
I’m going to say something that a lot of people don’t say.
Being a stay at home mom, especially as an extrovert like me, is very hard. I don’t like being at my house for days on end. I need to be out – not outside. Out, around other people. I don’t neccesarily have to talk to them, but it would be awesome. And when I get trapped in my house with my kids for long periods of time, I get… Mean. And snappy. And my fuse gets shorter and shorter. And given that I live with an almost 5 year old who wants to do everything herself and an almost 3 year old who NEVER STOPS MOVING… It’s a plan for disaster and stress and snapping on the people I love most.
So I’m not worried that much about losing the little bit of income that I’m losing ($200 a month, at best). Not worried about that. I am worried about not having the money to be able to go on a date night with Wes to get away from my kids for a couple of hours because I’ve been with them for 5 days straight with no breaks. My job right now, is my break. And, I won’t have that. I don’t want to turn into the mean-stay-at-home mom that I’ve turned into before.
And saying all of that, just defines me as “Terrible Mom of the Year”. But I know I’m not a terrible mom. Raising young children is just hard. Period. I am not in full control of my flesh, and I had a way to reset myself with my job. I just wanted things to work out how I planned them, and they didn’t. I don’t get the job to balance my time. And the thing is – the funniest part of all of it – it isn’t God closing the door on me. It’s God letting me close the door.
I still could take the job if I wanted. I could accept it and the deal that comes with it (working inside of the clinic instead of my home). But I know that God has called me to homeschool my children, so God is letting me close this door on my own. He’s letting me turn down a job that I love. He’s handing the reigns over and saying, “I know you love this job, I know it’s your cushion, your escape and your way of having a break… but I want you to close that door and let me be all of that for you. You don’t need a 6 hour a week job to have escape. You only need me. I can help you control your temper and your tongue. I can give you rest, I can give you your breaks. But you have to let me. Close the door.”
And y’all. It’s hard to close this door. I do love my job. I am a lactation specialist, and I love helping moms with this hurdle. It’s a hurdle that a lot of women face, and it’s not easy in the early days. And when a mom calls me and is struggling, I love talking her down and helping her take a breath. I love knowing that because of me, some babies get a little bit more of what was made specifically for them. I love helping these moms nurse their babies – because God made our bodies to do this for a reason. I’m passionate about breastfeeding. And I’m walking away from this job. Because I know God wants me to be at home.
So, if you are praying this morning, please say a prayer for me as I have to call my boss and tell her that I will not be taking the job this following year. Pray for me as my current job duties will most likely change (and I’m so unsure of how all of that will go…) and pray for me that my heart will not explode as all of my plans are falling to peices. It’s hard to ask for help, it’s hard to ask for prayer. But I know that I need it today.
As the song goes, it is well with my soul. It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I may not feel it in this very moment, but I will keep singing that because in the grand scheme, it is well.